I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
