check it out our google latitudes are spooning
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
