paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
