They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
