Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
