Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
