There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
