...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Randomize
