I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
