So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
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once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
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Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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