mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
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you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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