maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
