his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
