I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
