Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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