Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
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I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
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It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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