I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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