I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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