Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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