If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize