he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
