what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
