WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
