Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
