Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If I die, sorry about rent.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
