I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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