Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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