Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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