There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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