When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
