The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
