i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
