i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
