Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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