when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just want to make out with him forever
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
