apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
