advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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