Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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