i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
