We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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