Already got asked if we're dating
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
