Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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