Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
don't judge my taste in strippers
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
