My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
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What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
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Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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