theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
