The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
