I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
