Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
