I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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