I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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