I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
