So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
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I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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