just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I met the friendliest cop last night
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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