If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
